The story you're telling yourself
Left on read for three hours. By hour two you'd decided they were bored of you. By hour three you had a breakup speech drafted. They were in a meeting.
The pattern
When facts are missing, brains fill the gap — usually with the scariest version. Catch the story and say it as a story, not a fact: "The story I'm telling myself is…" Then check it. Rethinking what a moment means calms you more than swallowing the feeling does.
In the research
Brené Brown: "In the absence of data, we will always make up stories." In Gross's lab work, rethinking what a situation meant lowered bad feelings, while hiding the feeling left it in place and added body stress (Gross, 2002).
Spot it
- "They obviously don't care." (from one short reply)
- Reading a tone into a text that has no tone
- Replaying one sentence until it means something terrible
- Your reply argues with what you imagined, not what they wrote
Try this
- "The story I'm making up is that you're annoyed with me. Is any of that true?"
- Before you hit send, write two other explanations for the same facts.
- Separate what happened ("you replied 'k'") from what you decided it meant.
- If the story turns out true, you still get to name the feeling — just from facts now.
Where it breaks
Not every story is wrong — sometimes your read is right, and checking is how you find out. "It's just a story" is not a reason to ignore a real pattern.
Who named this
- Brené Brown — Dare to Lead glossary — "The story I'm telling myself…", 2021-09-22
- James J. Gross — Emotion regulation: affective, cognitive, and social consequences — Psychophysiology 39, 2002