When things go right
They got the promotion. You said "nice" and asked what was for dinner. Nothing was wrong, exactly. Somehow it stung more than a fight.
The pattern
How you answer good news shapes closeness as much as how you fight. Enthusiasm plus a real question — "Wait, tell me how it happened!" — builds the bond. A flat "cool," changing the subject, or finding the downside all shrink the moment. Saying the good you notice out loud, often, is also the long-run antidote to contempt.
In the research
Sharing good news paid off more when the listener answered with active, engaged interest — not a flat or deflating reply (Gable, Reis, Impett & Asher, 2004). Gottman's antidote to contempt is building a habit of appreciation.
Spot it
- "Cool." (eyes on phone)
- "Won't that mean longer hours?" — the first thing you say
- "Oh, that reminds me, guess what happened to me…"
- Saving appreciation for birthdays and apologies
Try this
- "Wait, really? What did they say when they told you?"
- Ask them to relive it: "What was the best moment?"
- One specific thank-you a day: "You handled that call with my mom so well."
- Hold the worries for tomorrow — tonight is for the win.
Who named this
- Gable, Reis, Impett & Asher — What do you do when things go right? — Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 87(2), 2004
- The Gottman Institute — The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes (culture of appreciation), 2013-04-26