# The story you're telling yourself

> Left on read for three hours. By hour two you'd decided they were bored of you. By hour three you had a breakup speech drafted. They were in a meeting.

[Read on lets-talk](https://talk.kensaur.us/notes/the-story)

## Pattern

When facts are missing, brains fill the gap — usually with the scariest version. Catch the story and say it as a story, not a fact: "The story I'm telling myself is…" Then check it. Rethinking what a moment means calms you more than swallowing the feeling does.

## Cite

Brené Brown: "In the absence of data, we will always make up stories." In Gross's lab work, rethinking what a situation meant lowered bad feelings, while hiding the feeling left it in place and added body stress (Gross, 2002).

## Spot it

- "They obviously don't care." (from one short reply)
- Reading a tone into a text that has no tone
- Replaying one sentence until it means something terrible
- Your reply argues with what you imagined, not what they wrote

## Try this

- "The story I'm making up is that you're annoyed with me. Is any of that true?"
- Before you hit send, write two other explanations for the same facts.
- Separate what happened ("you replied 'k'") from what you decided it meant.
- If the story turns out true, you still get to name the feeling — just from facts now.

## Where it breaks

Not every story is wrong — sometimes your read is right, and checking is how you find out. "It's just a story" is not a reason to ignore a real pattern.

## Who named this

- [Brené Brown](https://brenebrown.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/Glossary-of-Key-Language-Skills-and-Tools-from-DTL_092221.pdf) — Dare to Lead glossary — "The story I'm telling myself…", 2021-09-22
- [James J. Gross](https://doi.org/10.1017/s0048577201393198) — Emotion regulation: affective, cognitive, and social consequences — Psychophysiology 39, 2002