# Small reaches mid-fight

> Mid-fight they cracked a tiny joke. Or asked "are we okay?" Or nudged your hand. You were still scoring points, so you missed it — and the fight got longer for no good reason.

[Open in app](https://talk.kensaur.us/notes?note=repair-bids)

## Pattern

Small reaches mid-fight — a look, a meme, "how was your day," a half-apology — cool things when you answer them. Phone, sarcasm, brushing past: loneliness stacks. Mid-fight brakes look like humor, ownership, a touch, "can we restart?"

## Cite

In Gottman observational work, partners who turn toward bids more often stay more connected over years than those who turn away.

## Try this

- Catch the reach: put the phone down and answer the actual question.
- Offer a small repair early: "I'm getting defensive. That's on me — restart?"
- Accept a clumsy repair even if the wording is imperfect.
- After a blowup: one clear reach back — "Want to walk around the block and reset?"

## Who named this

- [John & Julie Gottman](https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/) — Emotional bids; repair attempts in conflict