# When your body takes the wheel

> Heart pounding, face hot, words coming out faster than thoughts. You're not really arguing anymore — you're defending territory. Anything you send in the next five minutes is written by your adrenaline.

[Read on lets-talk](https://talk.kensaur.us/notes/flooded)

## Pattern

Past a certain point your body is in fight-or-flight and you stop taking in what the other person says. That is the moment to pause — out loud, with a time you will come back. Spend the break actually calming down (a walk, slow breathing, something absorbing), not rehearsing your comeback.

## Cite

Gottman Institute guidance: once your heart rate climbs to around 100 beats a minute you are "flooded" and can't really take in the conversation. Take a break of at least 20 minutes — but not more than 24 hours, or it turns into avoidance.

## Spot it

- You're typing a reply before you've finished reading theirs
- Chest tight, jaw clenched, voice louder than you meant
- You catch yourself listing everything they've ever done
- You can't remember what the fight was originally about

## Try this

- "I'm too heated to be fair right now. Thirty minutes — I'll come back at 9."
- Put the draft in Notes, not in the chat. Reread it after the break.
- During the break, do something soothing, not something that replays the fight.
- Come back on time, even with a small opener: "I'm calmer. Can we try that again?"

## Where it breaks

A break with no return time reads as walking out — and for someone who chases under stress, that's the scariest thing you can do. And "I need a break" every time a topic comes up is avoidance, not calming down.

## Who named this

- [Zach Brittle, LMHC — The Gottman Institute](https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-part-4/) — Manage Conflict, Part 4 (flooding; 20-minute / 24-hour break), 2015-06-04
- [The Gottman Institute](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/) — The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes (physiological self-soothing), 2013-04-26